Unexpectedly, this entry summarizes how I originally imagined the blog posts to be, not the dramatic, sad stuff that I sincerely don’t want to write often, but a more close and personal approach. Also, it feels too silly to put a title on this specific entry, lol.
As you may have noticed, I barely update the site at this point (actually, I haven’t updated it at all). Since I’m no longer in a hyperfocus episode, I naturally distance myself from what triggered the last one. However, I still have a lot of affection for this website and intend to keep working on it. I’m not going to force myself to do anything for now, as I barely have the energy to even write this.
I had planned two posts before this one. Ironically, even though I know what I want to say in them, I just don’t have the energy to elaborate right now. I’ll work on them, though, because they’re still important to me, it just might take a while.
I wanted to keep my entries here positive, not just because I want to be a positive person in general and think focusing on the good might help, but also because I’d hate for anyone I know to stumble across this page and read my more vulnerable thoughts. Right now, though, I can’t bring myself to care about that. Everything has been such a mess lately. I can’t sleep well, I barely have the energy to get out of bed each day, and when I finally do, it’s too late. I’ve been avoiding college responsibilities, and I feel awful about it.
I HATE that I need to eat just to have the strength to do the simplest tasks without shaking or my vision blurring. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had this problem, even though there’s a lot of food I love and I’m extremely grateful for being in a good enough financial position to live the way I do, which honestly just makes me feel worse. I shouldn’t feel this way; I wish I could just do what I’m supposed to, but I feel too weak, too numb. Before, I could at least push myself to eat, but now it’s like my body is resisting on its own. Eating, sleeping, keeping up with college, it all feels like a huge sacrifice, and as time passes, I don’t feel any better, which just enrages me.
I cope with almost everything through escapism, and honestly, it stopped feeling wrong ages ago. But dissociating feels different as you get older. I brought this up with my therapist, and she seemed different, like she was losing patience. But maybe that’s just me overthinking. I can’t help but live in my own head, in my own world, dissociating most of the day. When I’m not doing that, I’m just finding another pathetic excuse to avoid my responsibilities. I hate that I’m like this, I think I’m just too tired right now. I don’t know if I’m even making sense, and honestly, I don’t think I care. I just had to get this off my chest.
That reminds me of another topic, friends.
I have a few friends, and most of them are genuinely good people. I love some of them dearly, and even those I’m not as close to, I still enjoy their company. That said, I’ve been feeling strange about them lately. I’m playing Baldur’s Gate 3 (great game, by the way, makes me want to drop my own RPG to play a D&D campaign), and I play it with a friend of mine. We used to do a lot together: watch movies and shows, play different games, talk about work or college. But recently, things feel awkward. Like, even sometimes during gameplay, it feels like I’m forcing interactions just to keep things socially bearable.
It’s not an issue with him specifically, it’s happening with everyone. Even chatting with my best friend feels uncomfortable at times. The fact that these friendships are online doesn’t help, since the mfs live on the other side of the country. But even in college, I’ve been feeling strange around my groups. Feeling useless for not contributing to projects might be making it worse, but idk, man.
It really shouldn’t be a big deal. I’ve always felt a bit uncomfortable about most of these things, but now it’s so much worse. I hate that I feel this way over something so small, especially when I know people going through far worse and handling it just fine. In their places, I honestly wouldn’t know what to do, and that just scares me. I’m afraid they’ll see how weak I really am. It’s not a new feeling, of course, but moving away from my old city has made it worse. Here, I have to build connections all over again, and it’s hard with all of this, and it only seems to get harder as I get older (also to make it worse my birthday is in 4 days :D).
I’m so tired, so frustrated. Even things I enjoy, like this website and my TTRPG, are starting to feel like burdens. I’m starting to feel alone, but I can’t bear to talk to anyone. It’s all just so confusing.