Hey! The last year was kinda crazy and i've been through quite a lot honestly. I was really lethargic and ever since i replaced my medication (because the god one was too expensive :c), i was struggling with focus and motivation to work in ANY personal project at all. You know, i've always took pride in how fast i can learn new skills and quickly become able do the things i want to at least to an satisfactory extent, but my issues with perceiving time has been fucking me up and even making me kinda paranoid. I've always been like this, but i guess it's haunting me more and more as i get older. The last year passed without me even touching this website and it felt like it was just a few months since i last edited it. I also stopped going to therapy and i'm holding everything in all this time is making things worse, so the first thing i want to do to start getting a hold of my situation is letting it out here.
I'm in a difficult place financially so i can't really focus on myself as much as i want to so i cut out a lot of things related to my mental health. At the same time i'm struggling SO MUCH to get a job, and since even getting out of bed is a struggle right now it's been like hell dealing with this. I can only feel shame writting this right now, it's like some stupid paradox that i maybe could solve just locking in and getting my shit done, yet i started procrastinating for months and i'm feeling worse and worse because of it. Honestly it's SO shameful that i hate even writting it here, but even so i feel like i need to get it out somehow. I only seem to get mentally motivated at midnight where my body is about to collapse, and when i wake up i return to this stupid mood. Building routines and following schedules feels like i'm beign crucified for some reason, it always did and i never understood why even in therapy. I just know that it seem to work on the first few days, then when i realized i've been dissociating for weeks and turning off alarms automatically.
At least i've been treating other medical issues and that makes me feel a little better. Actually i feel like slowly getting out of a slump, and maybe (and i pray for this) i'm starting to lift up my mood somehow. I'm going through an hyperfocus on TTRPGs and that made me start to draw again, even if i'm not actually studying fundamentals and shit like i'm supposed to, i haven't touched a pen in months so it's progress. I also received an watercolor kit my last birthday, and i want to get a little better as drawing so i can try it out eventually. I was stipulating time goals and all, but as i wasn't being able to reach them i was growing frustrated, so i stopped to put such pressure on that matter and save it for the college stuff.
Strange timing to say that but for some reason Bill Wurtz songs always resonated with me, ever since i found him randomly with the "history of the entire world, i guess" video some years ago lol. I was looking for something new to put on the homepage and stubled into this song again, which kinda resembles what i've been feeling like this recent times.
Well, all excuses and negative stuff out of the way, i have some new cool things going on, that i'll put on another entry (for real this time), so see you VERY soon! :D