I stopped my TTRPG. I wasn’t happy with how i was doing, it never seemed good enough. Even during sessions, i felt like i wasn’t performing well, structuring things properly, or drawing to the level i wanted. But they said they liked it. They said it was fun, and that i was doing a good job, and it made me feel better. Still, the fact that external validation affects me so much disgusts me, and of course, i didn’t want to let them down.
Unfortunately, the differences in our schedules, combined with my already waning connection to the project, pushed me to make the decision to stop. I feel so guilty about it. It doesn’t make any sense, it was never meant to be an obligation. I started this just to have fun with my friends, but now I can’t even stand to hear their voices anymore.
I hate that i feel like this. I wish i had at least made it through some part of the story before interrupting it, but i didn’t have the strength to keep writing. Even that felt like a burden, and it’s been like this for a long time. I’m not supposed to be like this. i should be able to do things and do them right. But i’ve been making so many mistakes lately that i can’t stand it anymore. I hate it. And i hate that i feel this way. It’s not like i’m being useful for anything else. I’m struggling to find a job, I can’t keep my room organized, and I can barely even write this entry.
There are so many people who care about me and have expectations, yet none of them seem bothered by my incompetence. That almost makes it hurt more, knowing I can’t measure up to their feelings or compensate for their support.
I just wish I could spend more time sleeping.